New Upper Mol Ratte Is Actually Three Naked Mole Rats Stacked on Top of Each Other
By Jack Archer
In a shocking turn of events, new upper Mol Ratte, praised last week as the pioneer of an underground tunnel system spanning the entire campus, is actually not a human.
New Upper Mol Ratte is three naked more rats stacked on top of each other.
A prep made the discovery one Monday night as he staggered back to his and Mol’s dorm after a hard day of pass-fail, his lanyard weighing him down. As he went through the ordeal of unclipping his Lion Card to open the front door, he noticed Mol pop out from under the ground, near a grove of trees just beginning to show their autumnal colors.
“I waved to him, and he waved back,” The prep said. “Mol’s always in a good mood. But that all changed when he heard the bird.”
According to eyewitness reports, as Mol hopped out of his tunnel system, a shrill bird call pierced the soft rustle of leaves in the wind. The small boy’s face fell, and morphed into an expression of fear. Scanning the trees, he met the gaze of a small hawk perched on a branch.
“He saw the hawk, and it was like his face had melted,” said the prep, shuddering at the memory. “I’ve never seen that kind of primal fear before. The look lasted for about a second. The-then he… scattered. Have you ever watched your friend scatter? No. Because you’ve never had a friend made out three naked mole rats stacked on top of each other.”
The three hairless animals who called themselves Mol Ratte flew in three different directions, tearing their way out of his shirt, tumbling over each other to escape their natural predator. The Hawk, realising that it had in fact spotted not just one but three tasty snacks, threw itself from its perch in pursuit of its prey. The prep, who had witnessed everything, reconsidered his decision to come to Exeter, then went into his and had the strangest conversation ever held in a common room.
“Look, call me crazy, but I knew it!” claimed the prep we interviewed last week. “I told you! I said it! It all makes sense now! He doesn’t drink water because Mole Rats don’t need water, he talks about having multiple fathers and brothers, but only one mother—that’s the queen of the colony! And he doesn’t dig with his shovel! All three of them just use their, their, oh, that’s gross.”
In a short interview with the Humor Section, all three mole rats insisted that they had nothing but good intentions. “Look,” said the mole rat on top. “We just wanted an education, man! How else are we gonna get it?” The mole rats under him said nothing, but nodded their heads as much as they could without toppling the stack.
The administration has requested that Ratte withdraw from the Academy. “As a student, he was intelligent (perhaps more so than many of our students), engaging, and kind,” They said in a statement to the Exonian. “We will be sad to see him go, but he is being sent home for reasons beyond the fact that he is three naked mole rats.”
According to an anonymous source the real reason Mol dug tunnels was because he — or should I say they? — planned to move his entire family to campus. The Academy didn’t want to be held accountable for injuries sustained by biology faculty excitedly dragging their classes six feet underground to conduct a lab.