Educators Discouraged by Prospect of Third Online Term

By Sonny Fiteni

Exonians aren’t the only ones lamenting the loss of campus presence. Several members of our institution’s faculty have taken our absence very hard, and as the future of distance learning hangs in uncertainty, some members have made plans for the worst. 

Disappointed by the thought of never joining his students around the Harkness table again, educators like Phillips Exeter Academy founder John Phillips have turned to alternative avenues for fulfillment. Phillips, age 264, explained that his decision to move from founder of a prep school to aspiring Soundcloud rapper was the result of an “overdue career change.” 

John Phillips, now stylized as Jawn Phillips, hopes to leave his mark on the rap game with his new old-school style and fresh face. Swaggering over to the Bowld Music Center in a waist-length dress coat and breeches, Jawn assured listeners that he would carry on certain hip hop mainstays. “Don’t need to ask why I always wear red,” he notes.

Celebrating his induction onto the XXL Freshmen list as the “hottest thing on three legs,” the Andover-born rapper has given himself the self-professed moniker “King of New England.” No living rappers have contested this claim, and Principal Rawson has yet to respond. 

Last Thursday, Phillips sat down with our podcast news team 50 Minutes to share some of his story. Here is an excerpt of that transcript: 

Thank you for joining us, Jawn. Could share what was going through your head when you made this transition at such a late stage in your career?

I don’t think—I do. 

Who inspires you?

Kendrick.

Can we expect any surprises from your album?

Let me just say, when the kids hear Lionel [Mr. Hearon] hop on these adlibs, it’ll be like the Academy Building burned down a second time.

Is there anything you want to tell fans at home now?

Sons, if you work hard enough, Hennything is possible.

Thank you for joining us, Jawn.

Goodday to you, too.

Not to be confused with Grammy-nominated musician and lead singer of the Mamas and Papas John Phillips (who refused to return the Exonian’s request for comment), Jawn Phillips explained that his Billboard promise lies in his unconventional sound. Ahead of his first studio album, singles like “Canst thou bring me to the party?” have been hotly teased on LionLinks. 

When asked in class if anyone had actually listened to the self-titled EP released last Friday, students groaned. “Put it back on Tuesday—the administration had to take that from us, too?” When teachers clarified that they were referring to our founder’s musical endeavors and not a cherished tradition which had been repeatedly moved around the week so as to become insignificant, one student chimed in that “as long as it’s not that new Nav I’ll give it a chance.”

Now, having made his way onto the coveted “CXLII Newsroom” communal Spotify playlist, Jawn Phillips reflected on the fame other educators could find if they are willing to take the leap. “My brother Sam-I-Am Phillips is down in Essex writing some cookbooks. Y’know something for the summer, something for the kids.”* When asked if he’d consider shouting out “Green Eggs and Ham” on a future single, the New England rapper was quick to shoot things down. “It’s juvenile, not for my city.”

*Samuel Phillips is actually John Phillip’s nephew