Inspired by Five Day Break, Administration Enacts One Day Weekends

By: Blake Simpson

In an unexpected turn of events, the administration has decided that all Saturdays will now be full class days. Should the five day break be a success, this will take effect as soon as spring term begins. 

An administrator, who wished to remain anonymous, said, “Nothing motivates a student like having two major assignments due after five days straight of teachers breaking homework limits and minimal sleep. The Ten Schools Admissions Organization measures school productivity in cubic meters of tears produced by students, thus this change will create an unprecedented boost for Phillips Exeter in the competitive world of preparatory schools.”

Some students have been here long enough to remember the occasional Saturday class day, but even on such days, classes extended no later than early afternoon. Upper A. Jarcher recalled, “inner turmoil, stress at the very concept, but some sense of relief that by 12:50 everything would be over. Now we have to survive yet another packed day when both our minds and bodies expect the week to be over.”

Others, however, disagree. Alumnus Wealth E. Donor said, “I, for one, am glad that we are returning to an admirable standard of academic rigitigitude. I think the school was getting too comfortable with the concepts of ‘mental health’ and ‘student well-being.’ I wouldn’t be where I am today if I hadn’t been awake for four years straight, screamed at constantly, dress coded for having a tie that was too short. And I sure as [REDACTED] wouldn’t be where I am if I had ever gone-even once-to the health center when I was sick.”

While the administration is expecting pushback, it is highly unlikely that they will budge. “Though students may not see the benefits now, and though they may never see those benefits, and though we may not actually know what those benefits are, we are confident that this is the right decision in the long run, even if it is a very very long run,” said the same anonymous administrator quoted earlier as they cleaned out their desk and placed the contents in a banker’s box for reasons yet to be disclosed to The Exonian. “Mark my words. We will remain on top.”