The Stages of Election Night

By Jack Archer

1. Apprehension:  It’s hours before the first polls close, but you’ve already pinned a tab displaying CNN’s greyed-out election map. Trump’s yelling on twitter about something. The polls all say Biden, but four years ago they were dead wrong. As the sun sets in the early afternoon and the temperature drops below freezing, you shift in your chair and try to focus on homework.

2. Hubris: Amidst the first waves of poll closures, things are looking up. Florida flip-flops like a fish out of water, but for now it glows a brilliant blue. John King (AKA magic whiteboard man) lays out Biden’s easy path to victory, provided that he wins Florida. The election is going swimmingly. You prepare the celebratory halloween candy you saved just for this occasion.

3. Downfall: As the night unfolds like a three-year-olds attempt at origami, Florida blinks red and stays red. Blue Texas doesn’t last very long. As votes come in from the three states which seem to pick who gets to be president, John King starts stuttering about early votes. You put away the halloween candy and shelve all the homework you hoped to get done.

4. Fear (11:00pm): You’ve called most of your friends by now. The logical ones are analyzing possible outcomes, and the emotional ones are lining their doorways with salt and putting their faith in the weather gods. You miss two hours ago.

5. Comedic Relief: Haha Kanye’s getting votes.

6. Losing Faith in Humanity: Kanye’s getting votes.

7. The Crash: In the early hours of the morning, you collapse into bed and thank your lucky stars that class is cancelled tomorrow. Not that you expect to fall asleep.

8. Sleep: Actually you’re sleep deprived so you conk out almost instantly.