Careers in Quarantine
By Jack Archer
Humor Editor
I’m stuck. We are all stuck. So we must dream outside the bounds of our confines in order to keep our hope alive. We must imagine a future bigger than the walls we stare at interchangeably—they all look the same, but changing which way you’re facing really does mix things up, I swear.
This is around the time you get mad at me for saying something you’ve heard a million times. I preach these lofty goals to you while spending my time sitting immobile in my chair as I write thinly veiled complaints disguised as humor articles. But I assure you, I too have been striving to envision a future confined but not contained by a deadly virus.
That makes absolutely no sense. Nevertheless, I have reflected. Yesterday, I held up a mirror for an hour so I could look myself in the eye and find an answer to the questions everyone has been asking themselves. After an hour, my arm got tired, so I switched hands, but I like my right side (I now call it my “Zoom side”) better than my left, so the second hour of contemplation was not as rewarding or insightful. Then, I held the mirror with both hands and decided that what I was seeing could not possibly be me because it was starting to fuel my nightmares.
But oh boy, did I find an answer. Not just an answer, but a future.
When I grow up, I’m gonna be a vampire.
It’s simple, really. I no longer see the unrelenting stay at home orders as a hindrance. Now, they are training. They are my preparation. My coffin will be permanently drawn curtains, my hundred year slumber a ridiculous sleep schedule that makes you think I’ve been asleep for that long. Being forced to stay inside will only ensure I fulfill the basic requirements. Once this is over, I will emerge from the front door like a vampire rises from its tomb (I’ll probably look just as pale, too).
After staring into a mirror for so long, I realized I was right—the horrific monster of terrifying proportions could not possibly be me. It must have been standing behind me, and I must be invisible to mirrors, just like a vampire. A coffin and the inability to be reflected—That’s half the job description right there.
And I’ve never been a fan of onions or crucifixes, so avoiding those will be mere instinct. I might have to work on the flying part, but I’m pretty sure that's optional in the vocation. One thing isn’t, however.
A taste for blood.
That’s where annoying family members come in. What are they gonna do, run outside?