Jiu-Jitsu Required For All Students

After a recent coyote scare, the deans have announced that all students must attend a mandatory workshop in Phillips Hall on Friday, January 31st, from 6:45 to 8:00 PM. The workshops will teach students all the jiu-jitsu skills they will need if they ever were to come face-to-face with a coyote. Each room will be led by a student volunteer, instructing the class in harkness-style jiu-jitsu. Students will practice classic Harkness warrior skills, including strangling classmates’ voices, pretending to insist that the other person speak, and interrupting the teacher. In alignment with Exeter’s Harkness method, students are encouraged to foster a respectful atmosphere and go one at a time. 

“These skills will be helpful against a coyote as well as against the Harkness warrior that commands every underclassmen English class,” expressed jiu-jitsu master and Exeter alumni, John Snow.

Felix Yeung, a Harkness warrior, was interviewed for his opinion on the ordeal. “Who, me?” he replied, “Yes, I know that.”

During the workshop, Snow will provide some more aggressive Harkness-style jiu-jitsu techniques for upperclassmen, like the “respectful-disagreement slap” or the “infamous inquiry strike.”

Many clubs plan to follow Snow’s example and have already started teaching self defense. For example, gymnastics now practices dodging cars while speeding across the crosswalk. Anime club, following in their footsteps, is teaching the “Naruto run,” the fastest method of travel on foot. With two arms behind them and their heads leading in the front, runners have the necessary agility and aerodynamics to flee any coyote, cut D-hall lines, or dodge any faculty when dicking assembly.

Recently, Campus Safety has been learning jiu-jitsu to prepare for anything as they walk students across the street. This lead to an unfortunate incident on Sunday night, when Coach Avery Reavill was misidentified as a coyote and chased across campus. Some say they heard him howling at a Soule student, but no one knows why.

Students are encouraged to check their emails for room assignments. Godspeed.