Prep Buys Exeter Dad Merch; Begins Making Dad Jokes

The Exeter bookstore has no shortage of merchandise primed to capitalize off proud parents and guardians burning with the desire to flex on their neighbors overpriced merch screaming, “MY PARENTING SKILLS ARE BETTER THAN YOURS.” Lining the racks of the small shop are hats, shirts, mugs, sweaters, sweatpants, hydroflasks, shot glasses, plates too small to actually hold anything, mouse pads, *Takes deep breath* backpacks ties pocket protectors headbands hair ties rubber bands paper clips rulers wristbands and, or course, mechanicals pencils with a lead size that is not sold separately. All of this gear, emblazoned with Exeter and every single familial position one can have: Dad. Mom. Brother. Sister. Grandpa. Grandpa. Uncle. Aunt. Second cousin twice removed. Etc. These products are solely meant for those who don’t really go here, but want everyone to know they are related to someone who does — you know, for the street cred. Exonians have instead opted for overpriced hoodies to simply reading EXETER or PHILLIPS EXETER or PHILLIPS EXETER ACADEMY (because no one actually knows what this place is called) to show the rest of the world how good they are. Exonians only bought Exonian gear while their families hounded on the bookstores many offerings for them.

That is, until a prep strolled up to the cashier with his arms full of all the “Exeter Dad” merch they could find. Analysis on the prep’s motive suggest they may not have been able to read and choose the merch on the presumption that it read “Exeter Bad” and wanted to fit in with the Uppers. This was the start of the chaos.

The effect was immediate. From the moment the student donned an Exeter Dad cap over his Exeter Dad bandana and pulled on a pair of Exeter Dad trousers, their friends noticed immediate behavioral changes. Instead of responding with sympathy to groans of “I’m sleep deprived,” they replied with “Hi sleep deprived, I’m Dad!” and accused their friends of “Resisting a-rest” when they refused to take naps. The prep began advising people to check out the skeletons in the Science Building, describing them as “WHALE worth your time,” and said the classics department was definitely going downhill because it was “constantly declining.” This bitterness towards classics may have stemmed from the prep dropping out of transition latin after about two minutes.  

Needless to say, the entire campus is in distress. The worst thing that can assault your ears is no longer “Hey, you have a Sleep In! Why don’t we meet tomorrow at 8?” Everyone lives even more on edge. Several campus safety teams have been dispatched in an effort to get the Dad merch off the prep, and save the campus from more barrages of bad jokes. Here at the humor section, we hope the trend of buying Dad merch begins and ends with a single prep. Who knows what would happen if someone took it even FATHER.