Victor von Doom Censored; “No Bat Biting,” Academy Says

Many students may have been shocked to see famed 80s German death metal band Döömgrïndër, led by frontman Victor von Doom, make a surprise appearance at last Tuesday’s assembly. Preceded by Faculty Follies, of which an anonymous student said was “not rad,” the band put on a performance that was decidedly radical.

While the act featured copious amounts of loud, distorted guitar riffs and tight leather pants, the most notable aspect was von Doom’s antics. His use of outlandish, screamed vocals and his reckless destruction of a ukelele ignited controversy around campus. While some appreciated the novelty of the assembly, some questioned its influence on the school. According to an anonymous report, students were reportedly found making the “devil-horns” hand sign while smashing Academy property. “We’ve actually locked up our whole collection of musical instruments for the week,” a representative from the Music Department said. “We have to be extra vigilant during these strange times.”

Despite how extreme Döömgrïndër’s performance may have been, their act was actually toned down due to concerns from faculty organizers. “Victor von Doom actually wanted to bite off the head of a bat, referencing Ozzy Osbourne’s infamous onstage incident,” an anonymous faculty member reported. “Now, I’m pretty metal myself, but that may be too far.”

In response to the performance, a group of students formed the organization Students Against Teachers Antagonizing Nature, also known as SATAN. “Our goal is to preserve the Academy’s reputation of promoting good morals at Assembly, and not this demonic death metal,” a student spokesperson said. We asked von Doom for comment, but only received a demo tape featuring the band’s new album, “Umlaut.”