Rawson Calls Santa Useless Old Man
Everybody has the perfect gift they want for Christmas. Some ask for practical things, like a new guitar or a new pair of earbuds. Others reach higher, asking for the newest gaming console or a brand new iPhone. On rare occasions, people will ask for the impossible, like a dragon or an 11.0 GPA. Whatever it be, asking Father Christmas for a gift is a sacred act, something children pine over for hours.
Principal Rawson knows this dedication all too well. For the past 54 years, Rawson has written nothing else on his list except the Yamaha YZ65 GYTR 100cc dirt bike, and every year on Christmas morning, he’s found everything but the two-wheeled metal stallion underneath his tree. “It’s simply not fair,” Rawson stated. “I’ve been nothing but Santa’s little angel. I say please and thank you, eat all my veggies and only eat dessert once per decade. I’ve reached my limit this year.” On Tuesday morning, Principal Rawson made an executive order declaring Santa Claus, otherwise known as Saint Nicholas, an enemy of the academy. Not much else was said on the matter, but students have reported seeing construction on top of the Elizabeth Phillips Academy Center, suspiciously resembling anti-sleigh guns. Rawson has also been sighted leaving Walmart with a slieu of hunting supplies, reportedly muttering something to himself about “Rudolph won’t know what hit him.”
The Academy Deans, although unaware that Principal Rawson could even make executive orders, were not surprised to hear of his declaration. “We knew Rawson had a vendetta against that jolly old fart,” they reported. “He sends an angry essay about it every year. At first we thought he was just joking, but he kept sending pages and pages of emails berating the bearded man. We tried to buy him a bike one year but he told us it wasn’t ‘jolly enough.’”
Student response has been minor, with most denying Santa’s existence. An anonymous lower reported that “only ittle wittle teeny weeny wimpy babies believe in Santa, and I am not a baby.” In general, though, students have decided that Rawson’s declaration is “useless, seeing as [they’re] not even on campus for Christmas.” Regardless, I appreciate Rawson’s ability to send a message.