Alum Starterpack: Mark Zuck

I’m really riding the high of my successful first humor article last week!  So, I’m going to continue to give advice to those who would like to follow in the footsteps of our most famous (and controversial) alumni. Today, let’s talk about Mark Zuckerberg, or the “Zuck” as some call him. Here is what you need to become one of the richest and short-term thinking men in the world:

1. Be, like, very intelligent. Understand something innately unique about the human addiction to comparing themselves to others.

2. Then, exploit that human flaw and create a platform under the premise of “connecting people.”

3. When your business gets huge, make it so that your employees never want to leave the campus and the business becomes an industrial machine.

4. Buy a green egg and Facebook-Live yourself grilling meats, mentioning your intent to grill meats over 30 times. (Look that video up it’s a classic.)

5. Pretend that your platform is not giving means to extremists and enactors of genocide.

6. Get a really bad haircut the day before you are called to congress to testify about Facebook’s role in modern day politics. People will be so distracted by your new doo that they’ll forget your sub-par answers.

7. Sell third party developers information about your consumers so that you make coin and they lose their rights to privacy. It’s a really effective trade if you think about it, and it really aligns with non sibi.

8. Live in Browning House to really cement your not so great status in history.