The Addictions They Didn't Mention
This Tuesday, the Academy was treated to yet another anti-drug assembly, featuring Dr. Thompson talking about the intricacies of addiction as well as Dr. Lilly raising awareness about the dangers of vaping as well as Machiavellian tactics in advertising the product. According to Lilly, as research on vapes and Juuls, a popular brand of vapes, is still growing, “you can never really know what they’re putting in there. [Lilly’s] friend found 20 bucks and a puppy once in their vape, but, like, there’s probably something a lot worse inside.”
After Lilly made sure every prep knew that “it’s never cool to juul,” she passed the baton off to Thompson who said something about addiction, but I was too mesmerized by his sweet angel voice. After a friend told me what he said later, Thompson said that addiction is a culmination of consistent use that can affect more adolescents than one would expect. Also, to my dismay, it turns out the slide with wings and a halo around Thompson was purely my imagination.
Although informative, it does seem like the assembly was not received too well by the student body. Some were disgruntled at the graphic of cigarette prices over time, stating that inflation was not mentioned once and that their four year old nephew Joshua could’ve done better. Others wished Thompson had talked more about the factors leading into addiction and how these sorts of problems manifest themselves, believing that there’s more to it than just a the synthesis of teenage impulsivity and the expectations adolescents set for themselves, but who cares what they think? More interesting is the opinion that Thompson was too limited in his presentation, keeping the lecture centered around all the “boring addictions” that we’ve already heard plenty about. After I regained composure from them insulting my golden boy, I decided to hear them out.
Upper Michael D. Jordan* believes the lack of attention to bee-sting addicts to be a giant misstepping on the academy’s behalf. “I’ve got a lotta friends who can’t get enough of those black and yellow monsters. It’s ridiculous; they’ll sprint halfway across the quad because they thought they heard some buzzing over by those flowers. I’m pretty sure they’re the real reason why bees are dying out.” Beekeeping club refused to comment on the situation, but the fact that half of them refuse to wear a suit while they’re on the clock tells me more than enough.
On a similar vein, lower Michael V. Jordan* states that he doesn’t think the presentation did enough to quench his vicious habit of eating glowing rocks he finds outside the dumpster by Szechuan. “I just think the mild mannered stuff doesn’t work,” he stated. “There used to be really scary pictures, like people with teeth rotting in their skull and holes in their chest. No way I’d be eating all these calcified chartreuse mineral delights if they brought that back. I mean, I’d probably still wolf these puppies down during H-Block, but at least I’d consider stopping like a little bit more.”
Finally, we interviewed Michael G. Jordan* about his anime addiction and how he felt represented in the assembly. Jordan erupted, asking if ,”[we] could stop with this already,” and that, “it’s not an addiction, [he] just likes watching shows from now and then.” Ok, sure, buddy.
*Names have been changed for this article, not really for the protection of anyone but we thought it’d be funny if they were all named Michael Jordan.
*Names have been changed for this article, not really for the protection of anyone but we thought it’d be funny if they were all named Michael Jordan.