Leaked From Faculty Meetings: DC Reform

The Humor Editors have discovered the leaked minutes from all the faculty meetings this year. Rather than be “Responsible Journalists,” and turning them over to News, we decided to keep them for our own section. Each week we will release the minutes from another meeting. This week’s issue: DC Reform

9:52- Dean Cahalane finishes outlining proposal, which seems to not really change much of anything except changing the name of the process to the “Community Conduct System.” 

9:53- Unnamed English teacher puts on their “master of English rhetoric” hat, points out that the last major name change, calling extended class formats “long” instead of “fat,” didn’t accomplish anything, as students still didn’t want to do math for twenty extra minutes and go to lunch at 1 p.m.

10:00- Religion Department suggests that a more substantial change would include students on probation battling in bubble-wrap sumo suits during assembly break. Murmurs of excitement from the crowd. 

10:05- Buzzkill Latin teacher points out this would be a major liability concern. After a French teacher responds by saying that the buzzkill teacher’s “face is a liability concern.” Stupid classics department. Back to the drawing board.

10:18- Health Center Nurses propose “Just getting it all over with and put the entire student body on med-leave. It’s fool-proof.”

10:28- Music instructor suggests PEA, “take Harkness to a whole ‘notha level,” and have students govern themselves, turning proctors into “super-soldier policeman, enforcing laws passed by STUCO.”

10:32- Deans point out this plan will inevitably devolve, pointing to Stanford Prison Experiment. Music teacher simply says “yeah, I know. That’s the whole point!”

10:40- Meeting adjourned, entire faculty scared of said music teacher.