STUCO’S Party Leaders Look To Regroup Following Losses

The Humor Section is more than pleased to offer congratulations to the winners of Student Council’s Executive Board elections, and prognosticate the student body’s future under their leadership. Although News has selfishly snatched that honor up, as they always steal article ideas, luckily for your favorite section, those avaricious fools on page one neglected to cover a very significant aspect of the election’s aftermath: how the majority of STUCO’s political parties plan to insure a better result for their nominees next year. So Humor sat down with several key figures who represent these defeated academic-political ideologies.

Charlie Preston ‘21, chairman of the Exonians for Imperialism Party, admitted that the EIP should have backed a candidate with a more realistic and palatable proposed policies.

“Yeah, it would be a stretch, even with the enodowment, to start Exeter West in a former New Mexico ghost town like our nominee wanted. I think we would have fared much better with something more mundane, like conquering and annexing Berwick Academy.”

Carsten Bressel ‘20 and his Anarchist Exeter Party however, felt that he and his fellow chaos worshippers would have been better off pushing the envelope a little more.

“To truly advance our cause, we shouldn’t have complied with the rigid structure of STUCO’s democratic election; that’s somewhat hypocritical. We should’ve, I don’t know, rioted in the quad or strong-armed the Classics Department into buying us light-up Sketchers.”

Sloane Valen ‘19, the nominee of the Non-Secular Exeter felt that her party’s goals were misunderstood. 

“We aren’t advocating a specific religion. Exeter would be better off as a religious school, doesn’t matter which one. I hear Jediism is pretty good. I mean, maybe we should have proposed a cult with Principal Rawson as its head diety. Maybe the administration would have thrown us a bone at that point and rigged the election in our favor.”

Next year, however, these established parties may have their work cut out for them; rumor has it Katie Reid ‘21 and her Make Exeter a For-Profit Online Program Party are turning heads among underclassmen.