Why Trump Fired FBI Director James Comey

The Exonian recently gained exclusive access to the reasoning behind why FBI director James Comey was fired this Tuesday. In the words of President Trump himself, “He just knew too much.”

But what does Comey know about Trump that the public doesn’t? Could it be a Watergate-level scandal? Perhaps collusion with the Russian government?

The answer is neither. The truth is much, much worse.

James Comey was fired because he knew of Donald Trump’s unorthodox use of mayonnaise.

According to the official report, Donald Trump used mayonnaise in highly disturbing ways. As moisturizer, as shampoo, and, worst of all, as a sandwich topping.

“Absolutely disgusting,” the FBI report stated, “Never has a United States President used mayonnaise in such incriminating ways.”

The FBI found hidden tapes of Trump telling his confidants of his mayonnaise use. In the president’s own words, “I love mayonnaise. I love to spread it all over my orange, wrinkly body. I love to massage it through my hair. I love to eat it with ham and cheese on a brioche bun. Mayonnaise is what I love. Just give me a jar and I’m ready to rumble.”

Many officials were shocked, along with members of the Clinton team. As one top Clinton advisor from the election stated, “I mean, I knew he loved mayonnaise, I just didn’t think he meant it in so literal a sense.”

This certainly is one of the biggest scandals ever to rock the Executive Branch. As famed historian Ken Burns told us, “I’ve studied American history for my whole life, and never have I heard of any government officials abusing mayonnaise in such a grotesque fashion. I just can’t fathom how much mayonnaise must get stuck, lodged in that orange man’s back fat.”

It is absolutely shocking that such an event has rocked the American public so much. However, there is a silver lining to the incident for some. It is expected that Comey will get his job back, having been a saintly whistleblower of this condiment-based impropriety.

Comey said in an official statement that, “It’s an honor to have served the American public in this way–served them with mayo.”

Let us hope that future administrations don’t make the same mayo-stakes.