Today in Future History
Plenty of Today in History websites can tell you April 20, 2017 marks the anniversary of, for an example, the invention of marijuana and the spawning of some old guy with a mustache. But here at The Exonian, we are about to do what no one since Nostradamus has dared to do. Behold, the world’s first Today In Future History!
3,488,911,440: The Sun irresponsibly decides to take a nap during his shift, plunging the solar system into darkness and ending life on Earth.
69,367,435: The Second Coming of Jesus Christ occurs. Unfortunately, no humans are left to witness it.
1,200,411: Mount Rushmore awakens after millennia of slumber, and it is angry.
39,677: The Battle of Cleveland ends in a loss for humans, setting up for their brutal defeat in the Human-Algae War.
21,225: Pigs fly.
17,776: America signs the Declaration of Dependence. “It’s been a fun 10 millennia, but it’s time to go back,” say America’s Unfounding Fathers in an official statement.
9,997: Peace is finally achieved in the Middle East.
7,333: Ancient American Hieroglyphics are finally deciphered. Anthropologists believe that, in their time, they were called “Emojis”.
4,565: Nothing happened. Absolutely nothing.
2781: Sherlock Season 5 premieres.
Benedict Cumberbatch tries to renegotiate his contract forcing him remain alive, but it’s to no avail, leaving him to endure centuries trapped in his frail, withered husk he once called a body. Sounds like somebody doesn’t care about his fans...
2049: President Jackson Parell signs an executive order demanding that food trucks must be active and present in every single town at all times. This would become the first step in, as we all know, Parell’s successful campaign to end world hunger.
2032: Phillips Exeter’s faculty votes to change the school’s motto to “Screw it, you’re all here to be Sibi.”
2025: Mark Zuckerberg releases his first album Like and Share. It’s not good.
2019: McDonald’s switches from using meat to plastic. Customers notice, but they don’t complain.
2017: Somebody gets a major DC.