Cut Directly from Presidential Candidate Billy O’Handley’s Campaign Speech
Greetings Citizens. I am President Billy O’Handley and I am running for Student Council President. I would humbly ask for your vote today, but I don’t want to.
There are many things I should be talking about up here, but instead, I am going to bring up stuff I want to talk about. First: me. Hi, I’m Billy!
Second: Food Trucks. Yes, they are a success. I love them. Who doesn’t love them? How did we survive all those friday nights without delicious trucks? This might be the only time you’ll ever hear me say this, but let’s look at this from a logical perspective. Food trucks, good! Dining hall, nhhhhhhhh. That means I will replace Dhall with a fleet of nomadic food trucks. In my five point plan, which I don’t have with me, but I probably have written down somewhere, I will demolish Wetherell and use the funds to pay for an armada of food trucks. Why Wetherell? According to my complex and highly logical calculations that I also wrote down somewhere, Elm is more accessible to the majority of the student body or something like that. Plus I live on South Side.
The third topic I would like to bring to your attention is fire drills. Don’t you hate it when the fire alarm goes off at the crack of dawn, forcing you to be awake and clothed for no reason at all? When I’m president, you’ll have a reason. There will be no fire drills. Instead, we’ll just go around setting dorms on fire, triggering totally necessary evacuations. No longer will you be woken up by a meaningless fire alarm. From now on, every time you hear that noise you’ll know that you are about to have a legitimate brush with death. Sounds fun, right? But wait, there’s more. Sometimes, we’ll have other kinds of exciting emergencies, including flooding, helium leakage, termite infestations and reruns of The Big Bang Theory. All of this will bring an end to unnecessary fire drills here at Exeter, and bring about a new age of terror. Exhilarating!
Topic number five: the Exeter Bubble. Unpopular opinion, but I don’t think we live in a bubble. I don’t see a bubble. Do you? I didn’t think so. But do you want to see this bubble? I think it sounds kinda nice. By the end of my first term as president, we will all live within a literal plexiglas Exeter Bubble once and for all. It is our only defense against reality.
Topic number seven: Prep rights. For too long, preps have been systematically neglected and isolated from the Exeter community. Instead of voting power in StuCo, they have health class. Instead of elected officials, they have Prep Reps. And instead of legal personhood, they have Spaz. Preps, look to me for deliverance. For freedom. For equality. For attention. For validation! I alone can save you from the darkness. And here’s how I’ll do it. I will pass a bill through StuCo finally recognizing preps as human beings, each with their own wants, needs, and fears. I understand your pain. I too have suffered through health class, having to put a condom on a banana like I’ve never done it before. I too am slightly shorter than average. I too have a high pitched voice and a need for attention. For those reasons and more, I will help the voiceless prep class when I am electected to the office of the Presidency. Because my voice is very loud.
Topic number ten: V’s policy. Over the past two years, StuCo has fought to pass a V’s policy that applies equally to every Exonian.But I am the only candidate who is committed to passing a V’s policy that applies with perfect equity to all. In my new V’s policy, 7-9 on weeknights and 7-10 on weekends are the only times you can be in a dorm room. Including your own. That’s right. If you are caught getting illegal V’s with yourself, your punishment will be fair and brutal. This new policy may create some problems for Exonians, but every problem can be worked around. If you want to sleep, you can do it in your room from 7-9 with the lights on and the door open. Or, you can fight for one of the seven sleeping squares conveniently located in the common room of every dorm.
In conclusion, the Twelve Points of my manifesto will form the bedrock of Exeter. A new Exeter free from sadness or sorrow or gloominess or melancholy, or dejection or despair or desolation or thesaurus or despondency or dolefulness, or heartache, grief, or the blues. What about woe, you may ask? And misery? I’m afraid they’re here to stay. But vote for Billy, and vote for his sixteen points, and vote for his curly hair, and vote for his habit of speaking in the third person, and vote for love, and vote for peace, and vote for those sticky little goo strips you get in fancy magazines, and vote for all that is good and right in the world. Vote for Exeter. Vote for me. Thank you, and God bless America.