Season 9 of RuPaul’s Drag Race is Now One of the Only Things on Fox

“I just can’t take it anymore,” shouted Fox News manager Tony Brightbar last Saturday evening.

Fox News, who has recently lost advertisers over cases against host Bill O’Reilly, is under a lot of pressure. With the addition of Donald Trump’s decision to launch an air strike against Syria, there have been a lot of opinions to make and aggressive comments to shoot at the NYT. “But I can’t keep living like this,” stated Brightbar. “There’s so much to cover and it’s the same politics day after day after day. I need something else.”

As it turns out, that “something else” is season 9 of RuPaul’s Drag Race. RuPaul’s Drag Race, a longtime favorite of Brightbar and conservatives everywhere, is now set to be the focus of 85 percent of Fox’s programs. Programs will include lip sync battle reviews, suggestive pun competitions, car ride sing-alongs, and Congress’ own drag competition.

“This is the best day of my life and I once pet six dogs at the same time,” said international table tennis champion and Fox viewer John Campbell.

Teachers have already begun using the coverage in their classrooms. “I make the kids translate entire episodes,” revealed classics instructor Megan Wampbell. “Between episodes I ask them to write short stories on what RuPaul’s Drag Race would be like if Nero were a contestant.”

The change has been met with little resistance.

Wampbell concluded, “Well, at least we don’t have fake news anymore.”