Parell Fulfills Campaign Promise to Win Election!

In other news:

Administration faces lawsuit from The Lorax over removal of peace tree.

Southside put on lockdown as search for fugitive panini press continues.

Grill bans carbonated drinks before Climate Action Day citing CO2 emissions concerns.

Shy preps’ pockets deepen as proctors are chosen.

Sustainability office pilots omnivore-shaming initiative.

StuCo Presidential “Race” Roundup:

Parell vanquishes rivals, evicerates dumb blonde stereotype; Robbins leaves office, plans to use new free time to keep shoelaces tied.