Projected Acceptance Rate To Heaven For Class of ‘17 Plummets Below 5%

The first week in April marks the release of college admissions decisions for many seniors, while the College Counseling Office lets out a collective sigh of relief. Each year, Exeter’s matriculation stats are impressive: more than half of our students go on to attend what are widely considered to be top-tier schools.

Easter weekend, however, can become an even more stressful time for seniors. This is of course when Exeter’s Religious Counseling Office releases their afterlife matriculation projections. And the results this year are grim.

According to the report released this Monday, a mere 3% of seniors are slated to enter through the gates of heaven, while more than half are on track to spend eternity in the fiery depths of hell.

When pressed to account for the dismal projections, RCO Director Reverend R. E. Pent explained: “The college process can take a toll on God’s view of many Exonians, who are essentially forced to sell their souls for four years to be accepted to an Ivy.”

Senior golf captain Charlie Dubiel exemplifies this trend. While on a recruiting trip to Cornell this fall, Dubiel subtly poisoned a member of the school’s golf team in order to open up another spot for himself. He committed to the school a week later.

“Looking back on that decision, I guess I could chalk it up to Exeter’s culture of stopping at nothing to be accepted to college. But above all, it was clearly short-sighted,” the spiritually jaded senior remarked. Dubiel takes solace in the fact that according to the life expectancy of an American male, he has about 60 years to make up for his ruthlessness before his definitive afterlife admission decision is released. “I’ve been to prayer group 34 times since RCO released my projection, which gives me an 80% chance to end up in the underworld.”

For the past few days, RCO counselors have been scrambling to schedule meetings with their newly assigned students. One counselor’s outlook was not positive: “The problem with these seniors is that they have such an elevated sense of self after being accepted to top universities that when we ask them to form a preliminary afterlife list, all they put down is heaven. So we tell them that unless they are president of ESSO or StuCo, they must diversify their list so that they don’t end up being waitlisted by God, a result referred to by Christians as being sent into purgatory.”