Which Elitist Institution Should You Have Applied Early Decision/Action To?

We all know hindsight is 20/20. Early apps were a couple weeks ago, and chances are most of us put a lot of thought into choosing our early application college. But I’m guessing you had some doubts. Let me clear those up right now with this simple horoscope test.

Aries: Stanford, because there’s probably an Aries out there named Stan Ford who didn’t actually go to Stanford. Do it for Stan.

Taurus: Columbia, because you have an electric personality, and the measurement for electricity is in coulombs. I think. Physics was a long time ago.

Gemini: Harvard, because like the twin, Harvard has two sides: one side says it wants you, and the other side rejects you.

Cancer: Johns Hopkins, because Dr. Trimble did her residency there, for those of you who didn’t go to the John Phillips Award assembly (“Assembly is a required appointment” –Dean Cos), and she’s curing cancer. So even though Johns Hopkins will be the death of you, you should go anyway.

Leo: Harambe University, because you are like a lion, fiercely loyal to your first love…stay devoted. #RIP

Virgo: Princeton, because I’m definitely always right about absolutely everything.

Libra: Yale, because Yale has four letters, and four goes evenly into two, making it a balanced word, and you, the Scale, are all about balance.

Scorpio: The Country of Monaco, because Monaco is well endowed, and you’re well endowed too, but in other respects … yup, personality and intelligence! Exactly what you were thinking, I’m sure.

Sagittarius: UPenn, because you’re the archer, archers have arrows, arrows are the same shape as pens…you do the math here.

Capricorn: Capricorn? I’m sorry, did you mean capriCORNELL?

Aquarius: Brown, because my mom is an Aquarius, and she applied to Brown.

Pisces: Dartmouth, because you are the sign of the fish, and fish dart around…hence Dartmouth.

And there you have it, folks. I take no responsibility for any regret I may have induced. I just report the facts.