Why the Nets Will Make the Playoffs

Other basketball teams are good. Some will make the playoffs. But the Brooklyn Nets have tried to put together a professional basketball team out of community basketball players. They need seven teams to be worse than them in order to make the playoffs. Here’s how it’s going to happen:

1. Knicks: After the early season success of Derrick Rose, the New York Knicks will decide that they want as many players who have pending legal cases. That means picking up Ty Lawson, Iman Shumpert and Greg Oden. When they all simultaneously get arrested for being in Ty Lawson’s car as he goes on another DUI, the Knicks don’t have anyone who can play basketball. They finish lower than the Nets.

2. Pistons: The city of Detroit decides that a great way to get out of an economic slump would be to force the Pistons to leave their city, getting rid of millions of dollars in tourist revenue. The Pistons owner throws a hissy fit, and decides to not let his team win a game for their last season in Detroit.

3. Magic: Disney World declares sharia law. The Magic aren’t allowed to play basketball anymore.

4. Bucks: The entire team dies of cheese poisoning. That’s one of the dangers of playing in Milwaukee.

5. Hornets: No one on the team is allowed to go to the bathroom (they play in Charlotte). They all demand trades, and the Hornets trade them all for draft picks. They have no more players, so they don’t win a game.

6. Wizards: It is discovered that they aren’t actually Wizards after John Wall tests positive for fairy dust. They decide to change their name back to the Bullets, which is a mistake. The liberals in Washington decide to outlaw the team.

7. 76ers: They’re the 76ers.