Sunday’s Debate In Review
From allegations of indecency to threatening to take their rival as a political prisoner, the second presidential debate on Sunday was a reminder that we are still living inside a reality show even more terrifying than Toddlers & Tiaras. The candidates sparred over important questions that will determine the fate of our country, such as “Was it 39 or 35 thousand emails?” and “Was it really a good idea for Anderson Cooper to wear those glasses?” Donald Trump, the designated racist old guy in this election cycle, outsourced American visions of democracy to countries like the Russian Federation and the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. In a single run-on sentence that lasted just over two minutes Trump managed to describe in detail how he’d imprison Clinton. Clinton brushed off the comments, joking that she “wouldn’t be the only one in orange.”
Trump also attempted to emasculate Clinton by inviting four women who claimed to have been assaulted by her husband, Former President and part-time saxophonist Bill Clinton. “Look at your women. They are all fours. Maybe the one on the far right is a five on a good day,” said Trump, completely oblivious to the concept of basic human decency. “Believe me, I have the best women, tremendous women.” Trump pointed to his wife Melania and his daughter Ivanka. When asked by the moderators if he was confusing Clinton with her husband, Trump said “I tell it like it is,” and promptly went on a tangent about how Douglas MacArthur would defeat ISIS.
Amidst all the Trump insanity, from calling Clinton the devil to periodically creeping up behind her as he sniffed discreetly, the most shocking event of the evening was not from either candidate. The biggest turn of events was the final question, asked by undecided voter Paul Ryan, a trembling Wisconsin man with wide blue eyes. Shaking as he held the microphone, Ryan asked both candidates “Can each of you say something positive about Donald Trump?” Trump responded with an incoherent monologue bragging about his accomplishments, including but not limited to how he “destroyed” Rosie O’Donnell and the fact that his fingers are in fact slender, beautiful, and proportional to his body and that he even grew them himself. The undecided voter’s hands shook as he frantically took note of Trump’s words on a yellow legal pad. Clinton, more succinct in her response, told the audience that Trump is “awfully good at handing over elections.”
At press time, Hillary Clinton was leading Donald Trump by 14 points one on one, and leading by 11 points when including third party candidates Gary Johnson, Jill Stein, and Kenneth Bone.