Helicopter Pads Now Available for Weekend
Unbeknownst to the majority of Exonians, renovations have been occurring atop the library, Wetherell, Phillips Hall and the playhouse outside of Hoyt. With family weekend approaching, the demand for local helicopter landing pads has increased, leading the administration to put in work orders for their construction on campus.
The renovations have been a source of annoyance and peril for faculty. “It was bad enough walking up five flights of stairs to get to my classroom,” stated a German instructor on the top of Phillips Hall. “When the construction started, all the drilling drowned out my German heavy metal. How am I supposed to embrace German culture when I can’t distinguish between the hammering on the roof and the hammering in the music?” When asked about the ceiling tile that fell as a result of the renovation and ultimately gave a student a concussion, the German teacher responded, “Oh, yes. His screams also blended in with my music.”
Overall, students are not pleased with this development. “First of all, I don’t want people to know that my parents can afford a helicopter. The rich are a real minority here,” said anonymous student Tim Smith. “Second of all, my parents have already done too much. Not only do they constantly email my adviser, but they FaceTime my friends every Tuesday night.”
Tim Smith’s friends were available for comment. “Yeah, Tim’s parents are great. They pay us to tell them if Tim’s doing his homework, whether he works out, and whether or not he’s eating his collard greens.”
Families, on the other hand, are ecstatic about the change. “Now I can come up every weekend!” enthused parent Megan Campbell. Campbell is not only the president of her kids’ PTA, but also the president of her nieces’ and nephews’ PTA, her dog-groomer’s kids’ PTA and Malia and Sasha Obama’s PTA. “I’m sure that my respective child will be so happy to have me around more often!”
While the reactions to the construction of helicopter pads are mixed, it’s the families who get the final say. As Thomas Jefferson once said, “At Phillips Exeter Academy, it’s the parents who pay the tuition, not the students.”