Families Flocking To Campus, Covers To Be Blown

A great scream of panic rang through campus on Tuesday evening, due to the fact that this year’s midterm grades came out before Parents’ Weekend.

“My mom is literally going to kill me. She’s a doctor and I got a C in bio. Might as well write my eulogy now,” one anonymous source commented.

Students are handling their fear in a multitude of ways. Church proctors have noted an increase in students coming to church at all hours of the day, kneeling and begging God to have some form of mercy on them. (Preferably in the form of an A on their next paper to appease their parents).

In another desperate attempt, students have been frantically signing up for ESSO clubs in order to give their lives more value than their estimated end-of-term GPA, which, lower than last term’s, haunts their dreams.

Faculty members have admitted to being slightly confused at the panic, since midterms don’t really mean anything except for being a mild kick-in-the butt to work a little harder and stay up a little later doing homework. But then again, they (probably) don’t have Exeter Parents.™

When we at The Exonian reached out to parents for commentary, one parent told us, “I’m so excited to see my baby! I can’t wait to see all those straight A’s.”