Holiday Tracker

This week: Birthdays

Origin: Your parents went to sleep one night and now you exist. Or in vitro fertilization, which actually creates more children but it still feels like republicans would be against it anyway.

Does date of celebration change: It’s September 24th. For some people.

Reason it still exists: People don’t realize that you could have been born on any other day within a two-week span just as easily. Birthdays are just a social construct.

Gifts: Tickets to a Giants game. On a completely unrelated note: I’m going to be out of town this weekend.

How to celebrate: Go to New York to watch a football game (Go Giants!).

People who dread it: Old people. It’s just another year closer to death.

It’s easy to notice it’s your birthday because…: You wrote a humor article so people would know it’s your birthday. A friend of mine did that once.

What you’ll feel when it’s over: Happiness, because people remembered your birthday and said happy birthday to you (hint hint).

Canadian version: The Day You Learn to Ice Skate