Holiday Tracker

This week: The Fourth of July.

Origin: WE BEAT THOSE TEA SIPPING PANSIES!

Does date of celebration change: No, Donald, it doesn’t.

Reason it still exists: Blind Patriotism for a country that doesn’t resemble the plucky underdogs who beat the British at all.

Gifts: FRRRRREEDOM!!! Actually, that might be a bad movie to quote, considering that the scots got their butts handed to them.

Is it religious: Masses of people, excluding a few select athletes, singing “anthems” together in praise of a higher power? Saying that we are “under God?” Huddled together to watch non-natural things make lights in the sky? I’ll get back to you later.

How to celebrate: Spend an entire day waiting to see fireworks, the same ones you see every year. Sit in a middle of a crowded field right next to the port-a-potties. Watch an underwhelming light show in the sky. Drive back home, but get stuck in traffic on the L.I.E. Yell at Dad to cut down the space between you and the car in front of you so the person on your right who was trying to use the exit lane to get home faster won’t be able to change lanes. The person tries to change lanes anyway, and you watch in horror as it slams into the car behind you. As your dad drives away hear the sickening cries of an unimaginable pain exactly like Regina George in “Mean Girls.”

People who dread it: The British. Imagine having a pet dog who decides to leave your house because you’re mistreating it, then gets a degree, gets hired by Apple and eventually becomes the CEO while you sink into obscurity.

It’s easy to notice it’s the 4th because…: You’ve been invited to five barbecues.

What you’ll feel when it’s over: Bloated. From the Consumption of the British.

Canadian version: The Day When The British Finally Forgot That We Existed.