Get Yourself a Date
Hi, I’m Grace and I’m here to give you some tricks for how to ask your crush out. For most of my prep year, I struggled with asking my crush out to EP, but then a senior passed down this sacred Exonian tradition, one that John Phillips first employed to ask out his wife Elizabeth. Now it’s time for me to pass it on to you.
1. Start by identifying your object of desire. You could find that special person in the dining hall, your English class, your dorm or on your sports team.
2. Approach this person you have identified. Find out a thing or two about them, and let them know about you.
3. Next, make sure they know you’re interested. The best way to do this is by introducing yourself, then letting out a primal scream every time they make eye contact with you or say your name. Alternatively, introduce yourself as John Cena and sing the theme song whenever they walk by.
4. Wear shorts that are half a millimeter shorter than fingertip length. Rebellious streaks are extremely attractive.
5. Make sure that they know you’re going for the classical diploma (even if you aren’t really). If they don’t appreciate it, they’re not the one.
6. When they tell you that Latin is a dead language (because they inevitably will), bawl your eyes out and tell them about how your eighth cousin three times removed who died before you were born loved Latin and saying that Latin is a dead language is an insult to her memory. Your crush will apologize and give you a hug. Physical contact is a big plus.
7. Your crush will now accept your proposal for an EP date. The best way to propose is by leaving a trail of rose petals and lipstick kisses up to their room, where you have spelled out “EP” in giant glitter letters on their brand-new carpet. Don’t forget the candles! They may be a fire hazard, but they are oh so romantic.
8. At the end of the last song, gaze into their eyes. Allow a single tear to leak from the corner of your eye as you whisper to them how beautiful and moving the EP was. Maybe also tell them how being at EP with a date makes you gassy. Honesty makes relationships last.
9. Congratulations! Enjoy your relationship, which I’m sure will stand the test of time, even when you choose Harvard and they choose Yale.