How to Woo Me
Listen up, boys. As you have probably figured out by this point in your Exeter career, I am the pinnacle of all modern humans. I do debate, a practical requirement for the esteemed Ivies. I write for The Exonian, so yes, mama I made it. I make it all the darn time. I also take Spanish, which will be of a lot of use once our favorite orange-faced yam takes power. I break the rules by wearing leggings, so you get a pinch of spice to go with that sugar. Last but not least, I wore legwarmers last year, which are super retro.
And last but not least, I am more of a humanities person so I will probably never be a financially stable doctor.
If at this point you aren’t completely enthralled by my evolutionary prowess, I urge you to stop reading now, for you are not worthy. For those of you who are already entranced by my presence, here is how to woo me, the perfect woman.
Start by asking me out. The way to successfully do this is to sit outside my history class every day for a month. At the first new moon after that month is over, buy me a scoop of mango Italian ice from Stillwells and bring it to my dorm room when the clock strikes 8:37 p.m. Give me the Italian ice, then dance around me to the tune of “Unwritten” by Natasha Bedingfield. Once the song is over, grab my hand and write, “Date?” in Sharpie on it. If I agree, I will nod yes. If I don’t, I will let out a primal scream alerting you to go away.
Once I agree to go on a date with you, you should take me to the Lamont Gallery to look at paintings and act pretentious. Make remarks such as, “I think this piece really symbolizes the inner strength of the French diaspora,” even if the painting is clearly abstract and not by a French person. I will be impressed by your pretend knowledge of the rebel French art scene, and will agree to go on a second date.
On the second date, take me to D-hall. Make me a cup of green tea with honey (good for my vocal chords) and tell me a bit about yourself. Are you a cat person or a dog person? Do you prefer physics or bio? French food or German food? Note: There is a wrong answer for all of these questions. You will know the right answers if you truly are my soulmate. (Or if you’ve spent any time looking at my social media accounts.)
If you’ve made it this far, you have probably thoroughly wooed me and we can go on a third date. I suggest either D^2 or a helicopter ride. Either is hipster enough for me.