Do You Stink? Find Out Here!

1. When was the last time you brushed your teeth?

a. This morning.

b. Last week.

c. Does brushing someone else’s teeth count?

2. Do you chew mint gum?

a. All the time. I’m getting jaw surgery this week because my addiction has dislocated jaw.

b. When I’m stressing out over all the homework I haven’t done.

c. No. I hold it between my teeth because it’s a metaphor and I don’t give it the power to kill me.

3. Do you use mouth wash?

a. I use it as a protein shake after my 5 am workouts.

b. One time my grandma washed my mouth out with soap because I called her a “fusty nut with no kernel.”

c. I sold it on the black market but didn’t have time to clean my mouth with it because I was busy selling it on the black market.

4. How did the last person you tried to kiss react to your attempts?

a. Had to take a visit to the hospital because my breath was too fresh to safely inhale.

b. Sneezed and told my mom.

c. Nothing because no one deserves that high level of proximity without first being a better Pokemon trainer than me, which has yet to be achieved.

5. Do you believe in aliens?

a. No, aliens are a concept created by the government in order to hide the fact that crop circles contain the entrances to Big Brother’s headquarters.

b. No, my cousin is an alien and I am pretty sure she does not exist.

c. Yes, I was abducted two years ago and am regularly poked on Facebook by the aliens I met aboard the spaceship. One of the alien’s names is Mike Pence.

6. How will the world end?

a. In fire because I’m so lit.

b. In ice because I accidentally left the freezer door open oh goodness what the hell is wrong with me.

c. Your face.

7. Where do you sit in class?

a. At the teacher’s desk in order to assert my dominance over everyone, especially people over the age of 22.5.

b. Near the door so I can slide out of my seat and escape whenever the best opportunity presents itself.

c. As far away from the door as possible because I have a gripping fear that the aliens will return to abduct me again and I’m just not ready to face the pear that is Mike Pence.

8. At what age do you plan on going off the grid?

a. 18 because it sounds like a great gap year full of novel experiences that all the colleges that previously didn’t accept me will admire.

b. 22.5 because it is a very ripe age and everyone will assume that I am just “exploring myself” by eating only Ramen noodles and spending every Friday night wandering the streets.

c. 78 because it reminds me of Tokyo.

9. Have you ever been called “Peter”, “John,” or “Caroline”?

a. Yes! I am called PeterJohnCaroline all the time!

b. Yes, everyone mistakes me for my three twins, Peter, John, and Caroline.

c. Yes.

10.   How many siblings do you have?

a. 0.

b. 1-3

c. 3.01+

If you answered mostly….

As, Bs, or Cs—your breath stinks.