Cow Disease is Coming for You

At the beginning of every school year the Exeter campus is hit by some sort of illness. In past years plagues of hand-foot-mouth, H1N1, and teenage angst have ravaged the student population. As new students put their sweaty, grimy, stubby paws all over door handles, each other, and their hearts as they swear loyalty to our principal, PMac, everyone is starting to realize that the hot new craze of 2016 is mad cow disease.

Mad cow disease, or as it’s more commonly known, bovine spongiform encephalopathy, manifests itself in symptoms such as aggression and lack of milk production. (If you are experiencing either of these symptoms please contact your local cow specialist immediately.)

The first case on campus is reported to have started with prep Bill Jordan who was in an argument with his new roommate when his roommate, prep Thomas Ramsey, called him a “mad cow.” Startled, Jordan paused in his quest to bring up false statistics and instead revaluated his life. “I spent nine weeks in the health center,” Jordan stated after his first week on campus, “The buttered toast was great.”

To combat the recent outbreak, health proctors have put up signs around campus advising students to “Wash, lather, rinse, and repeat” and to “Wash your hands until you’re positive all your sins have been cleared!”

If you are concerned that a friend or teacher has mad cow disease, contact Exeter’s own Secret Police and they’ll take care of it for you. If you are generally concerned, contact no one.