Corruption Strikes the Feeble Heart of Phillips Exeter Academy

The student body elected Matthew “Matt” Robbins as StuCo President in 2016 with high hopes that the then-upper would introduce a more democratic system to the school while also being a voice for student health concerns. After his win he received dubious amounts of praise, but PEA’s admiration is about to end. Though Robbins ultimately achieved the populist vote, many of his past supporters did not anticipate the extent to which power would corrupt him.

Multiple community members discovered that the current POTUS (President of the Unimpressed Students) had been participating in sibi-like conduct after the first few weeks of gaining his position. “So I was in Wetherell waiting for my tots and Matt came out of nowhere and cut me in front of the whole squad!,” agonized senior Miguel Pérez-Glassner. “I thought that he was one of the people, you know? I guess not.”

Part-time teacher and full-time spy John Campbell said that last Wednesday he spotted Robbins handing out lanyards to preps. “At first I couldn’t see what he was doing and thought he was supporting the innocent kids,” stated Campbell. “Then I got closer and realized that he was actually pulling out lanyard after lanyard and encouraging the preps to wear and use them. The preps didn’t know any better and immediately put them on.” Campbell shuddered. “Some of the lanyards even came embroidered with an image of the Assembly Hall.”

Still, Robbins has worked to infringe upon an even younger crowd. According to Tim Tebow, Mrs. Tebow’s son, Robbins has been using “fac brats” for his own purposes. “I was playing in front of the dining hall, like I usually do, when a big kid came up and strapped a camera to me,” Tebow said. “No matter what I did, I couldn’t get the camera off. I started talking to fellow children and they too had a camera strapped to them.”

Robbins secretly launched a program called Big Sib Lil’ Sib that allows him to spy on the student body by monitoring the campus via cameras attached to faculty children. The cameras are impossible to take off and are water-resistant. The children, parents of the children, and dorm members that have to listen to the crying children were not asked permission for the attachment of the cameras.

And that is only the beginning. Rumors that Robbins has met with Crooked Hillary behind closed doors, that he has received four dickeys but no stricts, and that he took the last bagel are also circulating Phillips Exeter Academy.

We all should have known not to trust the conservatives.