Uses For a Jar of Dirt
Soon the Cage will be gone. All that remains will be the bad memories and the even worse memories. If you are a student or alum who has decided to keep a jar of Cage dirt, then consider using the dirt for one of these reasons:
1. Cast off your neighborhood poltergeist.
2. Be cast into your grave with.
3. Throw dirt into graduates’ eyes. (Don’t worry, the seniors are already disillusioned.)
4. Advertise on E-Bay as Dan Brown’s dirt.
5. Advertise on E-Bay as Mark Zuckerberg’s dirt.
6. Advertise on E-Bay as literally anything other than dirt.
7. Hurl into the Exeter River.
8. Surprise your significant other by giving birth to the dirt.
9. Talk to when life takes a plunge and your only friend is literally a jar of dirt.
10. Send to your worst enemies.
11. Be that awkward leftover present at every family get-together.
12. Use as steamed vegetable seasoning.
13. Water and fertilize life disappointments in it.
14. Tell friends that it’s the ashes of your dead cat.
15. Keep it as part of the jar-of-dirt collection that you already have.
16. Sprinkle the dirt so it spells out the entirety of your 333.
17. Keep it as a pet and call yourself alternative.
18. Approach strangers with the dirt and whisper, “For you were made from dust, and to dust you will return.”
19. Place it on your bedside table so that whenever you wake up, you can be reminded of all the times you busted up your knees and collapsed of heat stroke in the Cage.
20. Make it best man at your wedding.
21. When someone wants to do a cake “gender reveal”, instead of making the inside of the cake blue or pink, make the inside of the cake out of the dirt.
22. Replace ALL of your cups/mugs/wine glasses with jars of dirt.
23. When you go to gift the jar of dirt to an ex-classmate, trick ‘em and replace the Cage dirt with regular, old earth dirt.
24. Curse your track/baseball/softball coaches with it.
25. Combine your jar of dirt with everyone else’s jar of dirt to recreate the dam so future generations can bridge jump.