Things Exeter Never Taught You

1. How to successfully date someone.

2. How to survive without Lucky Charms, Nutella and omelette Sundays.

3. How to do your own laundry.

4. How to secede from the Union.

5. How to go to sleep before 1 on a regular school day.

6. How to waste time.

7. How to change a diaper until suddenly one of your teachers calls you at eight p.m. on a Saturday and asks you to babysit and lo and behold the kid has already soiled themself.

8. How to change your own diaper.

9. How to detect colon cancer in yourself and others.

10. How to SCREAM AND SCREAM AND NEVER STOP SCREAMING.

11. How to STOP SCREAMING.

12. How to find and marry 15th century figure Thomas More.

13. How to stop obsessing over 15th century figure Thomas More.

14. How to splinter the Christian faith.

15. How to get thee to a nunnery.

16. Where to go in case of a zombie apocalypse.

17. How to be less of an embarrassment to your family and friends.

18. Whether to be or not to be. (Hamlet)

19. Whether ‘tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune or to take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing end them. (Hamlet)

20. How to sit through a lecture without snapping and/or hissing.

21. How to pretend to be mad without really going mad at all.

22. How to enjoy a novel without thinking about how badly you would do on an analytical essay about said novel.

23. How to become king of Scotland without murdering a couple randos.

24. How not to kill your wife even though your highly suspect but seemingly trustworthy BFF insists she is cheating on you.

25. How to survive in case a tornado filled with sharks hits.

26. How to get into college.

27. How to pitch a tent.

28. How to tell a hawk from a handsaw.

29. What to do when you realize you’re not in Kansas anymore.

30. What to do if you are stuck in the desert five miles from the road and can’t walk across the sand at all.

31. How to deal with the fact that you’re a terrible leader and someone just stabbed you in the back.

32. 15 times.

33. If you should text him back or not.

34. Whether Dean Cos is man or myth.

35. How to fire a gun, or a cannon, or a crossbow.

36. If the history Caldwell is related to the English Caldwell.

37. How to accurately predict the time and location of the next mythical “Principal’s day.”

38. What to do in case of a fire.

39. Who the Zodiac Killer really is.

40. Jokes it’s Ted Cruz.

41. How to protect yourself from vitamin D deficiency without wasting all your time out on the quad.

42. How to stop preparing for the SAT.

43. What’s in the box.

44. If that one kid in your English class was joking or has serious psychological issues.

45. How to sleep a solid nine hours without having guilt-induced stress dreams about being naked and giving an assembly announcement and mixing up the Academy Center and the Academy building.

46. Which berry is poisonous.

47. It’s poisonberry.

48. How to show up to class on time with your homework wholly completed.

49. How to devote yourself to someone who doesn’t get up at five in the morning for you.

50. HOW TO WRITE A HUMOR ARTICLE.