How to Utilize New Freedom

1. Treason.

2. Adultery.

3. Use a kitchen

4. Lie to thy parents.

5. Hate thy neighbor.

6. Sloth.

7. Gluttony.

8. Call your mom.

9. Lust.

10. Greed.

11. Pride.

12. Envy.

13. Wrath.

14. Not wash your hands after going to the bathroom.

15. Brush your hands and wash your teeth.

16. Tell don’t show.

17. Drive in a day student’s car.

18. End sentences with all the prepositions you know of.

19. Count your GPA on a four point scale. Or an eight point scale. Or a 1.2 point scale. Who cares anymore?

20. Hiss at everyone.

21. Never wave hello on the path. Don’t even bother walking on the path.

22. Wear shorts that aren’t fingertip length.

23. Use swear words (for the first time)!!!

24. Stop getting up at five a.m. to hook up. Try four a.m. for a while!

25. Bare your midriff.

26. Wear blue.

27. Come back to teach at Phillips Exeter Academy!!1!

28. Engage in delinquent behaviors such as staying out past 10 on weeknights and eating on the first floor of the library.

29. Stop crying.

30. Take the Lord’s name in vain.

31. Start crying again.

32. Get V’s with the door closed.

33. Figure out what’s happened in the world during the past four years.

34. Decide to read a book for fun again and give up after realizing you can’t help but write discussion questions in the margins.

35. Voice genuine political opinions.

36. Start and end your papers with quotes.

37. Give assembly and talk about how long you’ve waited to be up on that stage.

38. Demand a refund.

39. Tell students about what Exeter was like back in your day.

40. Take a gap year that extends for the rest of your life.

41. Hang your diploma up in your bedroom and throw darts at it.

42. Dick every single remaining assembly.

43. Change your name to Alex and become a leader in the field of geology.

44. Become a politician and actor from Iowa.

45. Never write again.

46. Pretend you went to public school.

47. Graduate from burning Easy Mac to burning pasta from scratch.

48. Donate a bunch of money and demand that a building be erected and named after you. And then donate more money and give it all to the classics department.

49. Work at Green Bean so all the faculty, staff, underclassmen and classics instructor Megan Campbell cannot abandon you.

50. Show up to dances, teas, and class dinners.

51. Go to class!!

52. Attend assembly.