50 Reasons You Can Never Escape Exeter

1. Because the school is in desperate need of your money.

2. New Hampshire scars people.

3. March without snow and April without rain will always feel surreal to you, almost like one of those dreams where everything feels perfectly normal except for that unshakeable feeling of impending doom.

4. There will always be someone to check you in at eight p.m.

5. You’ll never be able to stop comparing yourself to Mark Zuckerberg.

6. That one bad grade from that one paper will always haunt you.

7. You’ll think that the only way to have alone time with your significant other is by sneaking out to their house at five in the morning.

8. At least one of your descendants will, inevitably, be killed by a clump of ice and snow sliding off the roof of a building some day.

9. You are one of the few that actually knows what crew is.

10. If you ever meet a person named Alex who is employed in geology, you will, without a doubt, combust on the spot.

11. You’ll grumble about how someone you know “needs a METIC.”

12. “Show, don’t tell!”

13. If you ever find yourself in a place where the majority building material is not brick, you’ll start to panic and sweat and you’ll run and run and run and never stop until you find yourself back on Wetherell quad.

14. Your adrenaline levels will never fail to climb at the approach of 1:40 p.m. on every weekday except Wednesday.

15. Your body has already been destroyed from all the Stillwell’s you’ve consumed.

16. All the memories of trainwreck EP dates.

17. Those trustees you always saw around campus are still following you.

18. You’ll be forced to recite derivative rules on the spot.

19. Some nights you’ll wake up and scream, surfacing from yet another dream about college.

20. At random points on Tuesdays and Fridays you’ll try to hide in the closest building, thinking that it’s time for assembly and Dean Cos is after you.

21. You’ll manage to go into a detailed discussion about something you know absolutely nothing about.

22. You will never be able to wash the smell of the Cage from your clothes, hair, and skin.

23. Sometimes on Saturday mornings you wake up at 10 in a cold sweat, still believing you’ve missed your C and B classes.

24. Whenever you aren’t feeling well you’ll have an odd yearning for Ibuprofen and buttered toast and apple juice in a pudding cup.

25. You’ll never quite be able to quell the impulse to snap when your children say something interesting or controversial at the dinner table.

26. You have an unshakable fear of Republicans.

27. If you ever pass a house numbered 333 a strong and uncontrollable shiver will shake your whole body until the house is out of sight.

28. Every cloud will spell out the entirety of your meditation.

29. You’ll “fatigue” the hour after your lunch break every day for the rest of your working life.

30. You’ll feel compelled to mention how you “met Dan Brown.”

31. Whenever you get more than seven hours of sleep you’ll think it’s because you are being unproductive.

32. If your boss ever asks you to stay late at work, you’ll complain to your parents about how totally unfair it is for them to use fat block like this! They promised we wouldn’t!

33. Your kitchen will forever be known as “d-hall” in your mind.

34. Jumping off bridges will sound like a good idea.

35. When you want to spend time with your co-workers, you’ll ask them when they’re on duty.

36. Every once in a while you’ll miss a day of work and text your significant other, frantically asking them if your boss usually gives dickeys or not.

37. You’re required to get a tattoo of Principal MacFarlane’s face before you graduate.

38. Once in December, once in March, and once in June you will stay up until midnight just to scream, for minutes on end, out your bedroom window. You will not be able to prevent yourself from doing this.

39. Every single time you make popcorn, you’ll burn it.

40. Tuesday mornings will always fill you with a shiver of anticipation.

41. You’ll never be able to stop referring to national holidays as “Principal’s Days.”

42. The gym will always be “too far.”

43. Nothing will ever taste better to you than Easy Mac and pilfered Exeter bars.

44. If you ever need to have a talk with your kids, you’ll tell them to come to your office sometime between 8 and 10 p.m., when you’re “on duty.”

45. Your home is furnished solely in marble, mahogany, and maroon upholstery.

46. You just can’t shake that thing you have for big oval tables. Your wife doesn’t get it.

47. You’ll still read Exeter Confesses every morning after you wake up.

48. If someone tries to speak when you speak, you’ll shake your head and say “you go” until the other person speaks.

49. You have a blank Harkness table tattooed on your left palm and make detailed discussion diagrams during every company meeting. After each meeting you approach the “meeting warrior” and ask them, very politely, to try and restrain themselves next time and let the rest of your colleagues get in for once.

50. You will be buried along Swasey.