Preps Unwanted, Yet Again
Principal MacFarlane has recently declared that ninth graders, also known as “preps,” will no longer exist at Phillips Exeter Academy. Rather, only lowers, uppers, seniors and postgraduates will be able to attend PEA. All students that were registered to be part of the class of 2020 are set to soon receive letters that detail the situation. All will be able to reapply when they are ready to begin their lower year.
The decision to exclude preps came without hesitation. “We were inspired by Soule,” reported an anonymous member of the administration. “We saw just how lit a place could be without 14 year-olds and knew that everyone would benefit from getting rid of them.” The administration figured that, without preps, the campus would be cleared of Sherlock posters, lanyards and people that actually arrive to class on time.
“It’s an aesthetic,” agreed the finsta famous Megan Campbell. “When rich people and colleges look at our school, they don’t want to see preps. Preps are short, wear oversized pants, and can’t even translate “The Aeneid” from Latin. They make all of us look bad.” Campbell later revealed that she had never been a prep and therefore had authority to tell other people that they could not be preps.
Still, MacFarlane worried that some Exonians would be upset with this change, especially those that expected a younger sibling to join them at the Academy. Likewise, lower SJ Myers had planned for her brother to attend during the next school year. After hearing the news, she responded, “He can’t come? Praise.” As it turns out, no one actually wants a younger sibling to tarnish the freedom that Exeter presents. “I came to Exeter to escape my family,” Myers stated. “This way I only have to spend one year with my brother.”
Those who were supposed to be next year’s preps are surprisingly okay with the entire thing. “Well, I guess if that’s what the school wants,” Lacey Wright, ex-prep, said. “One year less of living in eternal damnation.”
Even Lacey’s mom is okay with it all. “I thought I was going to have to let my little go,” sobbed Sandy Wright. “I didn’t think she was old enough to go off to school, and this just confirms it. Lacey will always be my baby. She doesn’t even know how to tie her shoes.”
Lacey replied to her mother’s sentiment with, “Shut up, Mom! Don’t tell them I can’t tie my shoes!”
Overall, the absence of preps on campus is sure to bring joy all throughout the community. Absolutely no one is in disagreement. The changes will be in effect from the 2016 school year until forever.
Though she is content with having this as her legacy, MacFarlane continues to look ahead. “Day students next,” she promises.