Funds Funneled into Red Lawn Chairs

To the surprise of many Exonians, Phillips Exeter Academy is now broke. The 1.2 billion dollar endowment is completely gone, and there isn’t even another Jazz Brunch to show for it. Most community members are left in a state of confusion—how will the school function? Does this mean I can’t keep taking boxes of tissues from teachers when they’re not looking? Where did all that money go?

The answer to the latter question can be found outside. Ever since Principal’s Day, red lawn chairs have cropped up and, although they may be hard to notice, even more have been appearing. Principal MacFarlane deemed it imperative to have a steady stream of the lawn chairs materialize throughout the 10 mile radius. This is because one, kids keep carrying the chairs to bring into their rooms and two, to encourage members of Abbot to go outside and stop playing video games.

Lower Nik Stork is not pleased with the emphasis placed on campus seating. “There are two things in life that actually bring me joy,” he said. “Exeter bars and Monday muffins. If the school is pouring all its money into chairs, then how am I supposed to slowly lure myself into a diabetic coma?”

Occasional adviser to MacFarlane and long-time chair enthusiast John Campbell wholeheartedly agreed with the development despite its monetary effects. “I’ve always been a huge fan of red lawn chairs. Anyone that’s close to me knows that,” he stated. Campbell went on to describe the symbolism behind the chairs. “The wooden composition reflects the wooden teeth that every single one of our forefathers had and thus represents the idea of a raging American individuality. Isn’t it obvious?” he said.

No matter the current state of the school, chairs will continue to be bought. Campbell puts it best: “In life, you have to figure out what’s important to you. And the most important thing to this school is lawn chairs.”