Math Faculty Resort to Sacrifice

Motivation has reached a peak low during this final stretch of the school year. Students are fatiguing left and right, doing less homework than they ever have and somehow still procrastinating sleep until three a.m. In order to combat the fact that class averages are 67 and the only calculations that go on during classes are minutes until the format is over, math teachers are resorting to an old form of assistance: sacrifice.

“No one has believed in the calculus gods since the 12th century,” said mathematician and old guy Jeff Ibbotson. “But desperate times call for desperate measures.” Ibbotson spent much of his youth studying various forms of sacrifice in dark alleys and led the operation to introduce sacrifice to the math department. He later revealed another reason for implementing the new activity. “I don’t like a lot of my coworkers,” he stated. “Any chance to get rid of them I’ll take.”

The mathematics department nominated Timothy Whittemore to be the first sacrifice. He was not able to be contacted for a statement, but other faculty members assured The Exonian that he was “totally okay with it.”

While this satisfied people like Ibbotson, students were not happy with the new changes within the department. “Mr. Whittemore was my teacher,” lower Carla Davies said. “I thought this meant that I could just have my B format off for the term, but I got Mr. Feng as a replacement teacher.”

In fact, for every teacher that is sacrificed to the calculus gods, Feng is set to take over the class. “It’s our back-up plan for increasing motivation,” Ibbotson informed. Eventually, the only math teacher left will be Feng, and everything will either be a disaster or perfect.

The administration has refused to comment on the practices, mainly because despite its efficiency, it raises basic humanitarian concerns. The practice is still set to continue on into next year and is sure to influence other school districts.