Dear Experience Exeter Adolescents,

Listen up, because you’re only going to get the truth once. The administration and faculty and fresh-eyed preps are great at painting a pretty picture, but the ugly truth is still better than a pretty lie.

For one, smoothies are not a daily thing unless mashed potatoes are counted as smoothies. The side booths in Wetherell with vegan-friendly sliders and custom salads have an attendance record worse than Marco Rubio’s. Don’t get me wrong—DHall is great, but it’s no fresh, Portland cafe.

New students should also be aware of the new dress code to be enacted next year. Exeter aims to be in with the times and for that reason, all students will be required to wear jumpsuits. (Pictured to the right.) Jumpsuits are the height of fashion and not at all indicative of a prison state. Having a jumpsuit-only dress code may sound restrictive, but in reality, there are at least three colors to choose from.

The graduation requirements are also changing. After this term everyone will be required to complete four years of English, calculus, computer science, organic physics and rocket sciencery. Students that are chosen to be the “token art kids” will be allowed to take classes that actually pertain to their passions. Athletic recruits will not have class requirements, but are expected to spend the majority of the day in the gym getting swole.

Even more, a portion of teachers does not actually teach. Instead, some teachers sit on the fringes of the harkness table and either scroll through Facebook or think about scrolling through Facebook. Much like the classmate that does not actually do the homework, the distant teachers will butt in with an existential question when it’s least needed. The teachers will also watch as the conversation descends into World War III and eat popcorn while doing so.

So, young ones, take what I say into consideration and decide to come to Exeter anyway. Because how else are you going to get into Harvard?

Good luck,

Majestic Terhune