Cos No Longer Mascot of Humor Page

It is a grim term here at Exeter. Although spring is usually dubbed the happiest term on campus, with the nice weather, fun events and the crew team often working out shirtless, this spring is a somber one. All this, because sadly, this is the last term before the dearly beloved Dean Cosgrove goes on sabbatical for not a term, not two terms, but a whole academic year.

This strikes the humor page especially hard, since it is well known that the lovely Arthur is the Official Humor Page Mascot™. Therefore, his absence will leave a hole not only in humor writers’ hearts, but in their joke worthy material. So until he returns, it is crucial for the survival of the page that a new Official Humor Page Mascot™ is elected, so that the humor page can continue to have one person to blame everything on. I took it as my responsibility to venture out to find some candidates.

First, I talked to the editors, since I figured they’d probably been thinking about this, too. As it turned out, they had not been thinking about it, since it is not their “problem for about 66.7 percent of the year anyway”.

I continued on my quest and attended a Student Council meeting to try to take suggestions from our school’s brave leaders. As expected, I asked the question, and after 45 minutes, no progress had been made and they started arguing about which cereal is better, Captain Crunch or Golden Grahams. They made no progress on the cereal dilemma either, so eventually I just left to gather more information.

I decided to try my luck in the history department, since they seem to know how to (political) party. They suggested Aaron Burr, since it would make Hamilton fans die...of laughter. I agreed that that was a good one, but asked if they had anything more modern in mind. They told me no, since they are the history department.

Afterwards, I tried the science department, which informed me that friction can really change the net force acting on something. Also, the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell. So I guess friction and the mitochondria are their candidates.

All this asking around was starting to wear me out, so I took a pit stop in Elm to get food. While eating a slice of surprisingly average pizza, I took the opportunity to talk to some fellow students about who they wanted to see as the Official Humor Page Mascot™. Prep Ashley Lin told me, “Why don’t you just choose another dean? Dean Geary and Mischke seem like they could take a joke.”

I looked her straight in the eyes, deep into her prep eyes, and told her, “It’s not that simple.”

Feeling exhausted from my day of searching, I took the last stop I knew I had to on my quest to find a righteous Official Humor Page Mascot™. I went to J. Smith to talk to the man himself, light of the humor page’s life, Dean Cosgrove about who he thought should be his successor.

He had me sit down, closed his door, and said, “Emily, I’m going to let you in on a little secret.”

I asked him to go on and listened intently.

“You don’t need to search for a new Official Humor Page Mascot™. You’ll be able to make great jokes if you just look deep inside yourself.”

I asked him, “Are you calling me a joke?”

“Yes.”

He paused.

“Got ‘em,” he chuckled.

Well, there you have it, folks. I, Emily Green, am the biggest joke of all. This is the tragic end to my quest to find candidates. Now, the humor page wants to hear who you want to be the new Official Humor Page Mascot™. Email egreen@exeter.edu to cast your vote! The official candidates are:

Aaron Burr

Friction

Mitochondria

Dean Kim

Dean Mischke

Emily Green

Philip Kuhn

Write-ins optional, but highly encouraged.