WALL WALL WALL

Fellow Exonians. For too long Andover has been coming into Exeter illegally and beating our football team in front of the entire school. For too long have they been importing their horrible values like no dress code and having free time. This ends now.

To stop this blue menace from taking over the hallowed school of Exeter, I propose that we build a wall to keep Andover out. This wall will be a square of ten miles each direction, and will be manned by guards at each corner, the only entrance. It will take up most of the endowment fund.

This presents a few problems. First, with the endowment fund gone, how are we going to let financial aid students into Exeter? The answer is simple: pay them to build the wall. Instead of paying professional builders, why not help kids go to Exeter by forcing them to do manual labor?

Second, the wall will need to be built through water to make it the exact dimensions of the school. How are we going to do that? The answer is two words: styrofoam walls. They float, and no Phillipians will even think that they aren’t made of brick.

Third, how will the guards know who goes to Andover, who goes to Exeter and who just lives in the town? The answer is simple: shoot tasers at anyone wearing blue. Then, if they don’t go to Andover, let them into the town. It serves them right for wearing blue. This is Exeter!

Now you’re probably saying that this plan is absolutely crazy. I’ll let you in on a little secret: it’s supposed to be. When Andover hears about this plan, they’ll think it’s just a joke. But when we actually build the wall, they’ll never beat us at football again. Except at away games.