School Principal Uses New Power
After sitting through the two worst terms Exeter has to offer, Principal MacFarlane decided to use her absolutely unlimited power to make a few changes on campus. They are as follows:
The E-Book is now called the Mac-Book.
All clothing is optional.
History, Religion and English classes are not allowed to use fat-block.
Music cannot be played past 10 p.m. Unless it’s Céline Dion.
All common rooms must have a small statue dedicated to Principal MacFarlane.
No more memes.
Hot gossip is to be reported to Principal MacFarlane by Friday 11:59 p.m. every week.
The period between 10 p.m. and 12 a.m. is called “study hours.”
The period between 8 p.m. and 10 p.m. is called “eh, I’ll start in fifteen minutes”.
In order to graduate students must have never dicked an assembly.
All documents suggesting that Principal MacFarlane attended Phillips Academy shall be burned.
Students enrolled in the Sports Option for the following term will have to earn GH Opt. GH Opt is earned through GH Opt candidates fighting to the (near-)death on the faculty side of Wetherall during lunch.
Wetherell is spelled Wetherall.
All day students are required to have bumpers that say, “Haha! I escaped!”
No more bell bottoms.
No more Birkenstocks.
Clowns are not allowed. Anyone that is caught “clowning around” is subject to disenrollment.
Hoverboard requirement.
Hoverboard jousting requirement.
Faculty children shall all be moved to Browning.
Flirtation can only happen between 7:30 a.m. and 8 a.m.
The Assembly Hall will be open at 8 p.m. on week nights so anyone with intense political views can shout their beliefs into an empty room.
Tattoos are allowed as long as whoever receives the tattoo has no ragrets afterwards.
Gif is pronounced with a hard “g.”
If two people try speaking in class at once, they are to engage in a staring contest. The winner gets to speak. The loser can then only be referred to as the “Blink-180-fool.”
Because he cannot decide upon a name, the rapper shall now be known as “Snoop Why-You-Always-Lyin.’”
All teachers with a doctorate degree are to be addressed with the title “Doctor,” while all teachers with less than a doctorate degree are to be addressed with the title “Nurse.”
Only the popular kids can sit with Principal MacFarlane.
All EP dates come with customer reviews.
Stricts are a graduation requirement. Those who never receive stricts at Phillips Exeter are dubbed “weenies”.
Taco Tuesday is whichever day Principal MacFarlane wants a dang taco.
Only some dorms are allowed to open at 5 a.m. Good luck finding out which.
DC case punishments are only in effect in Washington DC.
All pets that live in a dorm are communal. (This includes babies.)
If a student fails a class twice, they are allowed to stay and continue taking the course as a teacher.
Only knights can live in Knight House.
If a chemistry instructor considers “pulling a Breaking Bad,” they must inform their colleagues so the entire department can contribute and a portion of the proceeds can go towards the endowment.
Anyone that sneezes and fails to cover their mouth is to be eternally shunned.
Fatiguing is now called “preparing for another all-nighter.”