New Vs Policy Announced
On Monday, the deans met to review and update the visitations policy for the 2016-2017 school year. In the post-meeting press conference, an anonymous dean revealed that the changes will be “sweeping, surprising, and, quite possibly, sexy.” The dean continued: “this year, it has become obvious that the visitations policy no longer works. Students are having sex in their dorm rooms all the time. All. The. Time.”
Calling the current visitations policy “a failed state,” the dean went on to outline the changes that will take place next year. Specifically, over the summer, new dorms will be built, which will allow every student in every dorm to have a single room. The E-Book policy will clearly state, according to the dean, that “only the student who lives in that room can be present in that dorm room at any time. Ever. No one is allowed to have any one else in their room.” When asked if this amounted to solitary confinement, the dean replied, “don’t be ridiculous. You’ll go to class with other people.”
Fielding a question as to whether this policy would be enforceable, the dean responded that she thought “certain dorm enhancements” would aid in the enforcement. These enhancements might include “video cameras, motion sensors, infrared sensing technology and the removal of doors from student rooms.”
A different dean, arriving late to the press conference, took the podium over to explain another stunning aspect of the revised visitations policy: “I know it might seem draconian, to have to be alone in your cell, rather, your room all the time. But, you know, we can’t just let you go at it in the dorms, it’s against the law. But I’m pleased to announce that the academy has just concluded negotiations with the Exeter Inn, which will be adding a new ‘motel’ wing over the summer. Rooms on this wing will be available to Academy students to rent by the hour. There’s even a Jacuzzi suite.”
Another dean said that they were pleased with this development, noting that motels change and launder their linens much more often than the average Exonian does, and the use of the rooms would therefore lead to a decrease in fungal infections and other skin complaints. “It’s really a win-win from the health and wellness perspective.”