KLATSCH
As this is the season where seniors are finding out the results of all the applications that they filled out in the winter, as well as the season where uppers are starting to think about the applications that they are going to have to fill out in the coming winter, we thought it would only be fitting to give you another application to fill out. This application is for an institution more prestigious than Harvard, more exclusive than Stanford, more sought-after than Yale; this application is for the classiest, most highly-regarded event on campus: the one and only, Ewald Klatsch.
Klatsch is similar to other dorm teas in the same way that a forty-dollar sirloin steak is similar to a McDonalds hamburger. But a forty-dollar steak sirloin would not even make our most exquisite menu of the year. Set to be one of our most impressive meals yet, it will not disappoint. A full meal, not some little snackings you’d encounter at a regular tea, resplendent with its three courses. If you are a food lover, and are willing to embark on this arduous journey, you shall not be unfulfilled.
Even if our food does not attract you, let our stellar entertainment bring you. Ewald will be newly decorated for the event, with a theme that’s yet to be decided, but sure to impress. And do not forget the music. Ewald, a dorm truly rife with musicians, will not leave your ear unsated by the end of the evening. Maybe even Tommy Song may lend his angel-like voice to the event.
Wondering how to gain a coveted acceptance to this one-of-a-kind event? Here we will disclose the details of the application process:
We are not a Common App institution because we generally prefer to avoid any use of the word “common” in conjunction with Ewald Klatsch.
For those who truly want to show their interest in our institution, the Early Decision deadline will be April 15. For other applicants, the deadline will be April 25. Applications should be printed out and directed to PO Box 1749.
At the top of your application, please include your name, grade, dorm and PO box. You may choose one of two options for your writing supplement:
Option A: Write an essay of about 500 words (minimum 250, maximum 650) on one of these two topics:
-What does Ewald mean to you?
-Explore the philosophy of “diesel” and the ways in which it guides you in your everyday life.
Option B: Write a poem evoking the battle that Ewald waged against the school’s administration a number of years ago.
Comic Sans is not only accepted, but advised.
Acceptance letters will be sent through PO in mid-May. Best of luck; we look forward to reading your application and hope to see you over in our forgotten part of campus come late May.
Note: in all seriousness, those who submit applications will actually be considered for invitation to the event. This may be the April Fool’s issue, but this part is not a joke.