Harkness Discovers Democracy
Much like students’ productivity at this time of the year, the Executive Board of The Exonian has fallen. Members of the Editorial Board partially felt that the system of choosing the Editor-in-Chief and managing editors was corrupt. But more than anything, the Editorial Board decided that the leaders were unfit to rule. The members of The Exonian resultingly held an election to determine the future President, Vice President and Secretary of Snacks. In a twist that everyone saw coming, the officials elected were RC McShane (President), Elizabeth Yang (Vice President) and Majestic Terhune (Secretary of Snacks).
McShane, the newly elected president, has yet to arise from his nap to find out that he has been selected. A very moderate candidate, RC appeared to have no political views whatsoever. In fact, he really did not have an opinion on anything. “I’ve put a lot of time into not learning about the outside world,” McShane said. “You wouldn’t believe the number of filters I had to put on my Google search just to avoid learning Trump’s political stance while still being able to view his hair.”
In fact, hair seems to be his main concern. His platform was solely based on having the best hair in the school. “Never has flow this grand paraded through the halls of The Exonian office. I believe that the only way to improve the paper as a whole is to improve its leaders’ hair, and by default leading changes that is sure to have yuuuuuge impacts on the paper,” McShane said.
Yang was not at all surprised to find that she had been elected Vice President. “I always come in second,” she told The Exonian. “Even at home my mom likes my dog more than me.” When asked what her policies, platform and ideas were, Yang cast a furtive glance to her right and left before saying, “Whatever colleges want my policies, platform and ideas to be.”
When Yang isn’t attempting to bond with the youths of Exeter, she can often be spotted trying aggressively to convince everyone that her photoshopping skills are marvelous, and that her work, awkwardly cropped photos of politicians’ bad angles, strange, discombobulating collages and disproportionate heads, will one day be worth more than the GDP of the United States of America (which, conveniently, comes in second to China).
Majestic Terhune wants to make many changes as Secretary of Snacks. Her primary concern right now is that 99 percent of Wednesday brownies go to the top 1 percent of writers of The Exonian. “I’m tired of getting stuck with the corner pieces,” stated Terhune, “And if we want any progress to be made with the brownies, we need a revolution in the streets.”
“Enough is enough!” shouted Majestic Terhune into a crowd of young, hip Exonians. “Pizzas that are too big to be eaten are too big to exist.” Terhune holds passionate views on the size of the pizzas that are ordered for The Exonian staff. “Whether or not the writers know it, we have a corrupt financial system. When the night ends and there are still pizzas left it’s because the top editors are using their power to further the corrupt financial system. More funds for pizza means less funds for general snack care to all.”
Unfortunately, the new Secretary of Snacks is not the best with technology. “You know, I’m from a nature-y state,” she said, “so I’m a bit behind on the times. People keep asking me to microwave ‘raw men noodles’ and I honestly do not know what ‘raw men noodles’ are, let alone a microwave.”
Her technology issues also affect her secretary-based work. “Sometimes I forget to log out of my personal email and neglect to send out Humor emails from the Humor account,” she admitted. “Hopefully nothing bad comes of that.”
The Exonian is predicted to have a -32% increase in readership with the new leaders and will feature even more angry op-eds from seniors and alums. It can only go uphill from here.