Day Students Threaten to Secede, Influenced by Outsider

Student Council’s new plan to make dining hall food even worse for “sport” was the straw that broke the camel’s back for the day student community. Today they announced their secession from Phillips Exeter Academy. This is not incredibly unusual, as the day students, or “Day Studs,” a phrase only used by day students, have seceded seven times in the history of Exeter. Recently, the leader of the movement, a person known only as Ronald Grump, spoke to the media.

“The day student community is tired of drug dealers, criminals and basketball PGs immigrating into Exeter at will. Boarding students take spots in the starting lineup, while hard working, natural born Exonians can’t even crack the varsity roster of any sport.”

Mr. Grump was asked where the seceding day students would go to school.

“We’ll start a new school with some of the seceding teachers and make EHS pay for it.”

Many people who seceded as first are starting to backtrack.

“I originally said I would secede because I thought it would be funny,” said one upper. “I didn’t think anything would actually come of it. Now that the movement has actually gained power, I’m kind of scared. I might try and see if Andover is still accepting applications for incoming seniors.”

What started out as a joke in the eyes of many is slowly gaining legitimacy as more and more day students are getting behind Grump and seceding from Exeter. There are many theories about why this is happening, but one of the more popular ones is that Mr. Grump is saying out loud what many people are thinking, but would never actually say.

One white dude said, “He totally gets me. He’s like, a mind reader. He says what I’m thinking. What’s that word for a mind reader; a hypnotist? An anarchist? Whatever man. As Osama bin Gandhi said, the actions of a few define those of many. So in conclusion, we need to build a wall!”

Ronald Grump has changed Exeter forever. Some may say for the better, everyone else may say for the worse.