Classes Do Not Belong at School
As of this year, the old dress code will forever be rotting in a sad place full of grumpy old white people complaining about youths using their phones too much and posting “like if you’re listening to this in 2016” comments on the Youtube videos of baroque composer Heinrich Ignaz Franz Biber’s music. Though it took us a long time to get rid of it, the old dress code is gone for good. Now we can focus on other, better improvements.
One of these improvements is, like how we cut the old dress code out of our lives, cutting classes in general out of our lives. It’s time to go on a cleanse, Exeter, and this is how we should do it.
Classes, like Assembly, should be optional. Students can choose to go to the classes they want, which means that math club can still learn about Torricelli’s trumpet, but instead of sleeping through all of their other classes, they can play video games in their rooms instead. The same can be said of everyone else. Athletes can spend all day in the gym intimidating each other, and artists can stay in the studio until they melt into their paint themselves. As for the average Exonian, they can do what they do best: fade back into the background.
Classes have also, as of late, proved to be a disappointment for some Exonians. One day, Erin Bourdeau trekked the arduous journey from Wentworth Hall all the way to fifth floor Spanish. The trip cost her energy, oxygen and, after encountering a herd of faculty children, her lunch money. Despite this, she reached the top floor of Phillips Hall in a record 20 minutes and felt accomplished. Her classmates trickled in and after getting settled looked to the instructor for guidance. The teacher informed the class that instead of going over the reading, reviewing grammar or even discussing international politics, the students would be expected to embark on a project that consisted of dancing, singing, making international food and watching foreign movies. Her dormmates said that this might end up being her “Spanish experience,” but Erin hadn’t believed it. Frustrated by both the productivity of the class and her recent unfulfilling experience in Wentworth, Erin spontaneously combusted.
Required class meetings also include human interaction and, according to a recent, very scientific study, human interaction is stupid. Forcing people to talk to other people proves detrimental to stress level and sanity. “The guy that sits next to me in math has a TI-84. Like ???? If you can’t upgrade to an 89 then don’t even bother trying to calculate the derivative,” stated a Math 130 student.
I suppose classes in and of themselves would be fine as long as they solely teach astrology. Like modern, influential American figures say, “You can have astrology in any color, as long as it’s astrology, and you agree with the facts. Because stars and moons and quasars will never leave you. Everything else is doomed to die.” And astrology is the study of aliens, right? Everyone should know about aliens and their influence on the Earth. Heck, I might even be an alien.
Anyway, school is overall the wrong setting for classes and consequently the institution of required educational meetings should be abolished.