Fish Slapper on the Loose
Notorious upper Majestic Terhune, AKA Majic T AKA that-one-girl-named Majestic, is done with your shenanigans. She gets it—you attend Exeter. You got less than six hours of sleep last night. You have a seven page paper to write. Your class average is supposedly above a 9.6. You’ve been facing EP rejection since Experience Exeter. Everyone knows it’s a part of the lifestyle. Yet, according to Majestic, “People just will not shut their faces. I understand that complaining is a way to cool off, but sometimes I just want to go to breakfast, eat my Monday muffin and not witness someone attempt to massacre his or her oatmeal with a butter knife.” Annoyed, the upper came up with a solution. “I decided that my classmates just needed some sense fish slapped into them.”
No one quite knows where Majestic obtained the seventeen pound tuna, but that seems to be the least of the community’s concerns. “Man, I don’t know,” stated prep Jennifer Suminski, “I was just talking about how terrible it was to not be on pass/fail anymore and this girl came in out of nowhere and slapped me with a fish.”
Suminski represents only a small portion of the people affected by the Fish Slapper. Apparently, Majestic automatically responds to an array of complaints, such as, “I can’t believe I got an A- on that test,” “There’s less than one hundred dollars left on my LionCard,” “Ugh! I’m a page over the limit” and “I’m not sure this will really matter on my college apps”. She aims to fish slap as much sense into Exeter as possible and has even resorted to leaving business cards behind. (1-800-FISHSLAPBLING)
The Fish Slapper has not limited herself to students. Faculty members are also being subjected to the cruel and unusual punishment. “I’m scared,” reported one trembling English teacher, “I didn’t think that I was being too harsh on my students. 50 pages sounded like a reasonable amount to read for homework, but as soon as I uploaded the assignment to Canvas, I was slapped with a fish.” The instructor briefly touched his face and gazed off into the distance. “You’d think I’d have learned my lesson. The next night I went home and, locking myself in my study, tried assigning 50 pages of reading again.” The teacher took a deep breath. “I blinked and all of a sudden I felt the familiar sting of scales on skin. When I opened my eyes the window was open and atop my laptop was a note that read, ‘You’ve just been fish slapped.’”
Despite its rise in occurrences, fish slapping is not allowed on campus. Majestic has, for this reason, been lying low as of late. Her teachers confirm that they have not seen the student in weeks. “This explains her 332 grade,” reasoned Majestic’s history instructor. (In a personal interview Majestic responded, “Not really. I’m just horrible at writing history papers. But I’ll use that excuse on my parents.”)
If you have any information on the whereabouts of Majestic Terhune, Fish Slapper, it is imperative that you contact me at mterhune@exeter.edu. And then run. Because you’re next.