Mother Attends Upper Parents’ Weekend, Decides She Is Not Helicoptering Enough

Corinne Berkhart, mother of the average upper, attended the college meetings offered to upper parents last weekend. She learned about the college selection process, the new SAT and what she should be doing to help prepare her child for college. Corinne was also introduced to the idea that the Ivy Leagues (and CalTech) were not the only option, a notion to which she responded, “Um, no.”In fact, Corinne was so appalled by the thought of her daughter not attending Harvard, or Princeton at least, that she determined that PEA was coddling her kid. (Where did all those Saturday classes go anyway?) So, keeping her daughter’s best interests at heart, Corinne sold her house and, despite already having a master’s in economics, enrolled in a half-year PGship at Exeter. The mother happens to be taking the exact same courses as her daughter and hopes to have a lot of fun “group study parties” in the future.Corinne Berkhart will be rooming with her daughter for the remainder of the year. “I’m not an idiot,” Corinne stated. “I know what happens when teenagers go off to boarding school. I’ve read the online literature.”When asked about what she plans to do with her time at Phillips Exeter, Corinne listed off a series of advanced classes, extracurriculars, varsity sports, and the fact that she wanted to ensure that her daughter stayed away from “distracting” environments such as Wentworth and the art studio. Corinne stressed that, unlike most fifty somethings, she did not just want to relive her high school experience but also help her child achieve a more well-rounded life. “I’ve already noticed the changes since moving in,” said Corinne. “My daughter tells me she even has a boyfriend now. Apparently his name is ‘Jordan Belfort’. I have yet to meet the young man, but he sounds like quite the entrepreneur.”As word spreads of Corinne’s attendance at PEA, more parents rush to start their own PG half-years. This may seem logistically impossible, but after receiving a succession of anonymous donations, the academy declared the new students “sustainable”. Browning, soon to be renamed “Smaller Cilley”, will house the majority of parents. Because they are not at the top of the “priority list”, where current Browning residents will board has yet to be decided.What uppers’ parents will do when their child switches to senior year, when college actually becomes most relevant, is up for Facebook group chat debate. Until the details have been sorted out, Corinne Berkhart leaves parents with a healthy reminder: “Harvard or bust.”