Martin O’Malley Still Exists, Research Finds

Step aside, Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders - it’s time to #FeelTheMartin.  A team of researchers at Winthrop University has recently discovered a third Democratic Presidential Candidate in the Gaillard Center in Charleston, South Carolina.  According to the experts, O’Malley was found reportedly to the left of the other candidates onstage.  He is believed to have been saying something about “talking time” and “trying to get a word in edgewise”.  This comes as exciting news for political enthusiasts everywhere, considering he had 0% of the vote in recent South Carolina polls.  Researcher Norilli Watts said, “it’s impressive, really.  I mean, the ghost of Stonewall Jackson was polling about five points higher than him, so there was good reason for people to be in disbelief.”  Local undecided voter Bobby Johnson added, “Ma’ neighbor Laura-June told me she done seen ‘em by the gas station, but we ain’t believe her.  I don’t trust that golly darn ‘science’, but I dunno what to believe now.”  Experts advised that simply giving three gold coins and dancing a jig for a leprechaun would make him go away, in favor of Hillary Clinton.